The Squat

Geeklawyer’s temporary chambers

Pole dancing for the judge

Geeklawyer was involved in a rather turgid IP trial in the High Court today. Patent infringement, design rights blah blah yawn etc.

Frankly it was all he could do to count the wodge of £50 notes he was being paid to say “No My Lord, that’s not right …” And he wasn’t doing very well. His Lordship had made clear his interest in Geeklawyer earlier in the trial: usher delivered notes giving invitations to meet in His Lordship’s chambers to ‘discuss the case‘. Geeklawyer is ruggedly hetero and doesn’t go in for the bottom action favoured by conservative MPs and Wykehamists, and politely claimed another pressing interlocutory matter in the Patents County Court.

Well of course spurned judiciary are the worst of all. All of a sudden Geeklawyer’s submissions were meeting large and insurmountable brick walls:

“Your client has the patent [Mr Geeklawyer] covering the activities of the defendant, but perhaps my view is that they should not be held liable for infringement when when opposed by such a desirable barrister who is too proud to meet me for private discussions?”

Mercifully in the 2 hour lunch recess in the pub Geeklawyer read MsR’s blog post about her pole dancing exploits. Inspiration ensued.

The clock chimed midday. Geeklawyer, tanned dark muscular, clad only in Calvin Klein boxers slid through His Lordship’s chamber door. The £2 tube of olive oil was well bought: the oil smothered his rippling muscular pectorals and glistened on his engorged thigh muscles as he wound around his Lord’s 18th century oak doors in the half-light of the Strand afternoon.

“Martin, I mean, My lord [X]. We need to talk about urgent emissions, I’m sorry, submissions”

Geeklawyer leant back against Lord X’s oak bookcase, with its priceless array of 18th century authorities, and extended a muscular defined thigh slowly and delicately around Lord X’s lapdancing pole (an odd thing for a High Court judge to have in his chambers he thought). He could see the shuddering excitement of his Lord compounding as the gyrations of Geeklawyer’s writhings became more urgent and thrusting: as though for all the World the pole was that Love lost in the heady days of yore. Lenore. Nevermore. The visage from the Plutonian shore.

Geeklawyer won his case. An arduous victory. For God’s sake it had better not go to appeal.


March 14, 2008 Posted by | trials | 4 Comments

Is this how government works?

Geeklawyer was at a recent government event on a trendy “hot right now” topic. All the government departments had picked up on the buzz, as had the press. It was soooooo very cool that all the major US European and UK consultancy groups had twigged that here was a new way for them to relieve the tax payer of fuckloads of cash. A conference was, therefore, arranged at a swish expensive location and all the top tier government departments, ministers and consultancies appeared: IBM EDS yada yada.

Geeklawyer has a friend who runs a small 5 man company with a cool idea: an obvious one, with the benefit of hindsight, but which he, like EDS, could undertake. The cost to government, however, would be 1/1000th of what EDS would charge in order to fail to do at all.

Geeklawyer, at his friend’s grovelling bequest, went along for a laugh: free ultra posh dinner, plus the opportunity to wind up the senior civil servants and government ministers in attendance (some of whom he had bullied whilst at school).

His chum is temporary flavour of the month for reasons too tiresome to go into; and everyone want’s to be his best friend. It is lovely to have friends of course: Geeklawyer understands this at a conceptual level. Geeklawyer is his friend also. Oh to have politicians and lawyers as one’s friends. Lucky boy.

But all of this is mere cynicism. What amused Geeklawyer was that because he attended with his ‘flavour of the month‘ chum, a senior civil servant (a Number 10 bod no less) described Geeklawyer to several drooling ministers as “One of the top three innovators in [concept X] in the country” – even though he had no fucking idea who Geeklawyer was other than ‘something to do with Mr Hot‘. Said ministers offered immediate sexual favours; well almost. And even though Geeklawyer had only the faintest idea of concept X. Most odd.

Were Geeklawyer not a more principled and decent fellow he might have chosen to exploit such ill-gained capital for personal profit. Fortunately for democracy Geeklawyer possesses stout principal, and an unshakeable moral core.

The modern political malaise can be traced to non-public school types, such as grisly grammar school oiks, getting into Oxbridge and thence public life or the professions and abusing in the most caddish fashion such accidental opportunities.

March 11, 2008 Posted by | love, politics | 8 Comments

A *real* bill of rights – circumventing the Executive

Henry Porter at the Observer has written a magnificent piece on the government’s castration of rights and liberties. Some of his insights that Geeklawyer thought were his alone:

Parliamentary democracy is a sham: the Executive pwns Parliament because of whipping and candidate selection by parties.

A genuine bill of rights could be embedded in an unwritten or written constitution to make Executive abuse problematic.

‘rights and responsibilities’  a phrase much in vogue among government asserts that rights are those given by the government as a favour and for which one pays with ‘responsibilities’.

Unelected judges are a safeguard for the citizen. It is an unelected judiciary, not vulnerable to bigoted populism, that will stand the best chance of stemming Executive excess.

Well worth a read.

March 9, 2008 Posted by | civil liberties | 16 Comments

Apropo nothing much

You see. Geeklawyer is an Internet junkie. He has come to this slow dawning realisation. It is a little sad when other geeks, with whom one is on holiday, say “Have you been able to feed your Internet addiction today?”: the said Internet geeks being an uber geek for THE Swiss Internet company, and the guy who, well, keeps Google on the Internet.


While they frolicked in the snow, broke legs on snow boards, drank Gluhwein in the bars Geeklawyer traipsed between Innsbruck Mayrhofen and Hintertux looking for any obliging electron he could find in a dark alley. Many a conversation began “Can you get me to Gmail? or” Money was exchanged promises of an open WiFi point offered “in just a second sir, honest”. To no avail. All Geeklawyer could do was manage a few quick dirty moments with a Yesss GPRS Sim card courtesy of a friend;s unlocked phone. For yes, Geeklawyer had taken a locked phone on holiday. What a total cock. No wonder cheap local data only sims didn’t work.

Geeklawyer did in past years spend the holiday walking up mountains rather than skiing down them and acquired the reputation all Englishmen abroad seek: that of the crazy man. The beer, admiration and gluhwein flowed freely. The Austrian women did not.

But all this is geekery and Geeklawyer must turn the treadmill to entertain his harem. The mysterious unknown No1, who will not deign to comment. The new and luxurious exotic Asian babe Lawgirl the dependant exciting MsR who defines for herself an entire category of sexual adventure: Margaret Thatcher was Jane Austen compared to this lady, and Lady is no lightly awarded epithet. Nor could one fail to mention Geeklawyer’s dependable loyal and devoted Lieutenant.

Tish pish. Geeklawer is drunk and rambling. He has spent the afternoon at a CAMRA beer festival where he behaved disgracefully as did he in a Chinese restaurant afterwards.

He is not apologetic: he is full of the joys of the morphia like joys of the blog. This has not been a classic or worthy post, but it feeds an addiction.

March 8, 2008 Posted by | This Blog | 3 Comments

CharonQC now as bad as Geeklawyer?

Geeklawyer is afraid that the outrage of CharonQC’s coverage over Prince ‘Not related to James Hewitt, honest’ Harry is not nullified by his explanation. Indeed not only does Geeklawyer share Mr Pineapple’s outrage but so does most of Austria. It is the talk of all the Apre-ski bars. Many ask Geeklawyer, as the only Brit present, what his take is on the controversy. Geeklawyer has to explain that, while a good man, CharonQC is not terribly patriotic.

The truth is that Harry is going to single handedly slaughter the Taliban and reduce their control of the country from the 10% at the moment to 0.001% at most: i.e. an outside toilet in the high mountains. Geeklawyer certainly doesn’t agree with the nonsense that he was posted to an area safer the High Street Kensington and surrounded by 100 SAS men who slaughtered every man woman and child within 10 square miles just in case they waved at him in a possibly threatening manner.

Geeklawyer may be a terrorist sympathiser and inciter but at least he is loyal to Her Majesty, Gawd bless ‘er, and her delightful progeny.

March 1, 2008 Posted by | This Blog | 41 Comments

Postcard from Austria

Dearest beloved and most devoted blog readers.
Geeklawyer did say that that he would dismiss you from his mind for the duration of his skiing holiday. Alas, like an old mistress well past her prime who is now given to nagging and gratuitous vexatious interventions, Geeklawyer cannot, nonetheless, refrain from delivering affection and devotion against all common sense. He pines for MsR, Mary and Ruthie and, well, all the Geeklawyer harem. *sob*

He has had a peculiar Skiing holiday so far: two days and the holy planks have yet to be attached to his feet. So far he has spent the first and second days procuring affordable telecommunications resource with which to indulge his Internet habit.

On the first day it was a half day trip to Mayerhofen to buy a ‘Data Only’ SIM card for his phone. Followed, this was, by a drinking session in a pub that left the good intent to ski for the remaining day in tatters.

The second day the SIM card was found not to work. A collective of Geeks (a Nerd? A Linux?) then decoded cryptic German SIM error messages to divine that Geeklawyer’s phone was still locked. Geeklawyer then attempted, in the bar over a beer, to negotiate with T-Mobile in the UK an unlock code in the manner previously used to coerce concessions from a hard-nosed opponent in a multi million dollar IP deal. This time however, he failed. He was a little puzzled amused and flattered that his mild attempts to extract a change of position in T-Mobile were regarded by his skiing chums as a massively aggressive and an intimidating attack of Geeklawyer in full-on Nazi lawyer mode.

It is at times like this that one wonders if one’s profession, like the holding of the One Ring to Bind Them All, skew’s one’s character perception and soul in a manner perceptible only to others. One hopes not.

The Austrians have decided Geeklawyer is irredeemably weird: his choice of fasting on Mondays and Fridays while drinking beer an walking up mountains rather than skiing down them.

Rather having degenerate sex with Austrian/German totty Geeklawyer has spend the last hour in the basement of his hotel with a German chum circumventing the vagaries of Windows in an attempt to connect his Data SIM to a mobile & then to a laptop and thence for a sharing of this connection with Geeklawyer’s Macbook.

Yes, Geeklawyer’s head span too. But it has all been worth it as you can now read his drunken perusings. For it is Friday. Geeklawyer walked up a mountain today, fasted, but drank beer and schnapps. so his chums and the Austrians think he is behaving rather oddly. They may be right. This post may thus make less sense even than normal. The typing and grammar may be more egregious than usual. Geeklawyer would apologise but he imagines that you are so pleased to hear from him that you won’t whine too much.

Tomorrow is yet another odd day: a hurricane, Yes! a hurricane, in Austria. Speeds of 190Km/hour winds are expected to descend. Unsurprisingly all skiing is off.

Oh dear. Geeklawyer will have to spend the day in the pub.

February 29, 2008 Posted by | This Blog | | 14 Comments

Skiing chatup lines

 Geeklawyer is a bit hot with the ladies and he did look with some amusement at this article. It illustrates different nationalities approach to chatup lines. Hugely embarrassing is the British approach:

“On the plane was a conspicuously attractive Spanish attendant, who was receiving a great deal of attention from the Brits at the back. The Brits had calculated that if they ordered as much booze as possible from her, then with every repeat order, they would get more confidence and therefore another opportunity to charm her with their self-deprecation.”

Of especial interest was the comment:

Katherine says. “In comparison with Poms, I have met a heap of English guys who are wittier, and that’s a bit of a winner with Aussie girls, I think.”

Geeklawyer now has two Ozzie stalkers so knowing how to cool their understandable ardour, without having his bunnies killed, is a matter of self-preservation.

None of this is relevant to fidelity: Geeklawyer may shag like a rabbit on Viagra but he expects his bitch hoes to remain faithful and pine. Or else…

February 27, 2008 Posted by | love sex | 4 Comments

Off skiing

Geeklawyer is spending 10 days in Austria. While he loves you all and cares for you in a deep non-sexually threatening way he cannot pretend he will give you a moments thought once he puts the holy planks on his feet.

Yes, that is a little offensive it’s true but he thinks it appropriate that lla relationships should be honest ones. OK he may think of the ladies a teeny teeny bit: Ruthie, MsRobinson, Lawminx and OpinionatedBean and only insists on honesty from you.

Most of the rest of his time will be spent getting drunk eating bad Austrian mountain restaurant food and trying to pull Germany totty with lines such as: “Hey tussi! blasen me ein” – it’s not worked yet but statistics can’t be beaten.

Geeklawyer may blog from the resort but it’ll depend on connectivity which is somewhat flaky there.

February 26, 2008 Posted by | This Blog | 7 Comments

IPCC & Police complaints

Geeklawyer is in despair over the reports (via the hugely useful Inner Temple news blog) of the criminal ineptness of the Independent Police Complaints Commission. Charges allege that, almost universally, poorly trained inexperience junior staff who are rude slow and police biased are supervised by unqualified inexperienced barely trained managerial staff.

Fucking jesus!

February 25, 2008 Posted by | cops, crime | 4 Comments


However much Geeklawyer may whinge we do at least have some semblence of a system of fair trials. For those in Afghanistan the story is different: a 4 minute trial with no right to defend oneself or appeal followed by a death sentence.

Even sicko Blair wouldn’t have turned our justice system into this: but only because he’d never have succeeded; not that he didn’t want to.

And what are those cunts on about at the Sun with their campaign for the death sentence to be reinstated? Oh yea Geeklawyer remembers, cheap publicity gimmicks. Geeklawyer is all in favour of the death penalty for Sun journos but no-one else (ooh, is that calling for their death too? 🙂

February 25, 2008 Posted by | crime, trials | 6 Comments